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What happens when all your ideal scenarios, picture of the future, even the image of your future that’s based on your conviction is blurred?
One big weakness or (depending how one sees it) of mine is the pursuit of perfection. Guess this also influenced my nephew. There was once when he refused to eat his favourite braised egg when my mom accidentally chipped off some parts of it while trying to scoup it up. HAHA.
Truth to be told, i don’t like failures, (i will just keep blaming myself). However, God taught me what it means to gaze upon His grace and not just focusing on myself. But the thing that’s on my mind is that after speaking to Shar on Monday night, i really can’t convince myself to contribute or giving and living my all to something that i won’t see it in future (something that i all along believed that i will see it).
I hope my decision will not disappoint myself…
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Many of us will have this kinda feeling once in awhile…
Being here in…
Life is pretty like a maze to me now. You know where youhave started, but you will never know how you are going to find your way through to your destination. It’s exciting huh? UOL results will be out in late Aug or early Sept (perhaps, i am getting older, thus i am now thinking far ahead, however at the same time, how i wish that day won’t come so fast). It’s either i will continue to study (hmmm, takes alot of faith to see how God is gonna move in my maths paper) or i will have to work.
Personally, i don’t know if it’s becos of my made-up or it has to do with personality, i don’t really enjoy the process of finding my way in the maze, when i realised there’s “no way through”, then i will have to detour back and find my way back to the destination. Allow me to note down my thoughts deeper, why? 1. I think it’s a waste of time. 2. I hate the fact that i am in a maze? HAHAHA.
Come to think about it, even so it’s my make-up or whatsoever, if things could be as simpler as knowing where you will start, and where you will end up at, things will be a little bit different. How things would be diff? 1. BORING. (imagine you play monopoly board games, you know the trick on how to win, it’s no longer fun. Fun was becos your friend’s responses, decisions are unpredictable and when you win the game, that feeling is like AWESOME cos you defeated all your friend’s strategies. 2. There’s no need for God to work in my life. Cos pretty much i will know where i will be aheading, and even if there’s a block, i still know how to find and work things out…
So which is better?
I know i am weird, *i don’t like my life to as plain as plain water, neither too exciting that i can’t expect what it is to come*.
But one thing i am sure of. I have a God who will elevates me to a bird’s eye view of things, just that i have to wait (this principle still applies even when you’re taking a lift, you still got to wait for the elevator to lift you up to the level that you want to go), and someone who sees my future ahead than what i can see.
Ok, great to settle my thoughts here.
Still believing…
Rev 3:8
“8 I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no-one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.”
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God just opened my spiritual eyes to see faith in another deeper manner. What rang through in my head was this verse…
17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (Jas 2)
What we normally understood from this verse is that when we say that we want to have faith in God (lips), we’ve got to do it with actions, if not your faith would be as good as dead.
BUT
What i learnt was that having Christian faith in our life, we’ve got to live it out so that others will know that the God that we have faith in is alive in us. In contrast, if in our daily lives, we don’t live out in faith, God would be as good as dead (to put it bluntly).
Why did i say that was that God spoke to me that why having faith is so important is because:
1. We would expect greater things from God
2. Inspire others to have greater faith in God.
We would expect greater things from God cos through small and big experiences that we have with Him and we know that with faith, He works, we can believe and want to have more faith in believing God for greater things.
Next, as i want to give God the honor and glory that He deserves, i sent smses around (even for my eldest brother and his wife) to share this good news. There are people who replied “wow…” or ” i also want to experience such things”. Faith is contagious, do we infect the people around us with faith or deflate them by not living out life with faith? That’s your choice.
It just feels so good that i understood and see faith in another light. My God is awesome.
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Okay, i’m sorry blog that i abandoned you for quite some time. But i am back now to jot down my thoughts and learnings again.
To cut the long story short, God performed another miracle before my eyes, with regards to my handphone. The first one was that the scratches of my 1 month old handphone was gone after praying. Second experience was that He revived my phone that dropped into the toilet bowl last friday. It’s truly amazing. I can try my best in describing how it went and all, but you’ve got to experience it on your own so as to know the joy and the sense of thankfulness that i have towards God. On last friday, i “don’t- know- why” has the urge to bring my handphone into the toilet when i wanted to pee. And the next thing that i know was that, the phone slipped out from my left pocket and i heard literally a “BIG SPLASH” and after turning my head to check what was the cause, i was shocked, my phone became a submarine in that toilet bowl that i had yet flushed. My first instinct was to remove it from water and put it under the running tap (as i am some weird cleaniness freak). Thank God i didn’t. I was devasted to the max that i reaslised that the phone could not on, the screen went blank, wireless cant be detacted, side volume buttons were not lit up, worst, my keypad was gone (when i press “k”, other alphabets appeared like “@”.) I tried removing the battery, air it and all, it still doesnt work. On saturday, i put on the battery, and it’s even worse, it is not even responding. HAIZ! I can’t let my brother know about this becos the phone was a xmas present from him 2 yrs ago and he paid 438 for that. And due to my contract is still still valid, if i were to change phone, i would want an iphone but i don’t have enough yet. So that was how bad it was…
3 days later, i don’t know how. God revived my phone (sound so spiritual, like Jesus, 3 days later it was alive). My mother was shock that it was working as she’s one of those who scolded me and the one who said that my phone confirmed is a “gone case”. God hears your little little prayers and He is faithful when you choose to trust and hope in Him. Well, this lead to some learnings that i have… (TBContinued)
The nuggets of truth that i have been chewing on is the fact that to be righteous, it is NOT so much about doing the right things, feels indignant when you witness some unjustice happenings, or plainly wants to sin lesser. The enemy of living a righteous life is purely “self- reliance”. This month is an “exam” month for me, hibernating and digging my head into the pile of books and all.
I started the entire exams with all those modules that requires calculus. If you know me, i never believe in MATHS. I still can’t convince myself that integration, differentiation (or worse they’re trying to make my life difficult by making us learn what’s partial differentiation”) would make a fair deal in my working life in future. The “calculating” papers were hard, (i literally stared at POA paper when i saw the first question) and there was this groaning and grumbling spirit within me. I smsed Dennis, Shar about the papers and all that i think i screwed up big time, thoughts of plurging off the edge of Singapore Expo Exhibition Centre did crossed my mind. Of cos, i didn’t do it, i will be dumb to do it.
All the way till 2 saturdays ago, during the shepherds meet, He really spanked me hard, the Holy Spirit did not just showed me the images that i was complaining, “haiz-ing” away, but He showed me my deepest issue in my heart, i am too reliant on myself. Relying on myself to study, to do the exams, and the ending result. I totally missed out what is it to partner with God. When God used Shirls to show me the different dimension of living a righteous life, i know i am guilty of this. Robbing a righteous life is not lies, sins and etc, it’s the fact that “you think you can do it on your own”, and ultimately it’s robbing the role of God in your life, it’s freaking scary.
I still have paper(s) coming along, but i have chosen to partner with my Maker. I have chosen to trust and not doubt in what He has planned for me. (Since anyway, He had everything planned and i just have to carry it out), He still holds nothing but the best for me.
Thanks God!
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How I wish what you said was just to pull my leg. How I wish it’s all part of belated april’s fool joke. How I wish I can wake up from this dream.
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Today had service, once again, He spoke to me about His love, the kind of love that’s different from the world. Reaffirm the fact that He’s my first love and He will be forever. For free worship, i just can’t help to tell God “becos of you”. It’s so true, that becos of you:
1. i learn how to love people
2. forgive people
3. I did what i have done, is doing and will be doing
4. my life changes
5. the different arenas changes as well (e.g: family, studies)
6. i am simply still breathing and walking around
“Let my life be a love song, a never ending love song“
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Exams are coming, prelims are also coming!!!!!!!! I think by then i will be botak cos my hair will fallen by then. Today is the 8th day of the new year, hope that it’s not too late to post or even set my new year resolutions.
2010_resolutions
I really pray that my uncle will be alright.
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I may not be the best person to do what You want me to do. I may not be in the best condition. But I just want to serve You with all that i can and how.
It’s been almost 2 weeks since i came back from my retreat to Genting and KL. And i didn’t really had the time to blog or to give an account what i have done over there as once i am back to Singapore, school started and there are many things to follow up and through in my group. So, to cut things short, i’ve done a pictorial form of presentation to give a summary of what i’ve experienced over there…
genting trip
We started our (me, meng and her family) by air. Reached T1 at a super early timing becos the fare is cheap, thus it explains the weird timing to travel. Did many things that i deemed as fun but seems to be super boring to many peeps out there (including meng). We went to play indoor theme park rides. YAY! But i know meng was super disappointed as we can’t go outdoor rides as the mist was super heavy on the last day when we were at the peak. Met ting ting and yong mei there and had fun together. The most memorable ride was the bumper car. I was cornered by a bunch of kids (like 5 of them), one of them even threw a sweet at me. Maybe it’s becos i am too sweet. Arcade was a “sure thing to do” in Genting (especially you’re there for so many days). Look at the monkey’s face that has “see, i’m proud to have these number of tickets”. It’s exchanged with about 400 ringgit.
The last picture was taken on the following day that i was “home sweet home”. On my way back to Singapore, i was being pushed from behind by “i don’t know who” and it was literally “hit-and-run” that left the poor me to be in shock for 1 min, trying to recollect what had caused me to be sitting on the road with a few crack sound on my ankle. The ankle was swollen like an apple and i thought i couldn’t make it back cos it was super, duper painful where my tears were on the verge of gushing out. However, the contradicting thing was that meng cried because she said she could feel the pain that i was feeling. I told jacq that she has a high percentage in the spiritual gifting of mercy. So i spent sat, resting at home and taking photos with my nephew who was amazed at what happened to her aunt’s leg as it was BIG and SMELLY.
All right, that was what happened. And what God has impressed in my heart about the leadership team in my group, i don’t know how but i am just going to do something to reach the place where He wants us to be. These few months has been a battle for me personally. I really want to grow as a child of God, as a leader, as a shepherd. I am burden to see stagnancy in the group, people’s lives. At the same time, sense of disappointments, insecurity crept in that i experience in friendships and relationships with people.
But God has spoke to me, in all circumstances, give thanks, for His grace is more than sufficient for me.
Psalm 30:12
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
God, even if there aren’t anything in my life to give thanks, but i will still choose to praise and give thanks for who You are and what You have done in my life. This will be my prayer.
