Filed under: Myself
I guess it’s the fast paced society (as such Singapore) that caught me the art of doing everything with great effectiveness and efficiency. Probably the way i live my life (you can obeserve just by looking at the speed that i walk) leads to the fact that i have to monitor my blood pressure. Just doing a reflection that honestly, as i grow up, i can’t stand slow-ness. Whenever i see or were to use a system that i know that it’s redundant and could be improved, it irks me, when i am walking and if there’s someone who is/are (not elderly) and they are blocking the way, i will stop and stare at them from the back for awhile. Today i went to Singtel Comcentre as Iphone is giving me some problem, and the worst thing is that all my stuff are gone (due to my laziness to syn everything), oh well, need to learn my lesson (my USS photos!!!). Oh ya! Digressed. Ya, i went to Singtel and went to interchange to get some stuff and run some errands, gosh, i can’t imagine that i i have said “Cheng, you’re not rushing for time today, slow down” numerous times as i realised i was walking at a speed that i just unknowingly overtaking many people.
As numerous times i told myself that i need to slow down my pace, it fails everytime. But today as i think through, if you understand God’s grace, you will enjoy slowness.
“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you,”
I need to understand God’s grace so as to go slow and be patient with people and stuff around.
The nuggets of truth that i have been chewing on is the fact that to be righteous, it is NOT so much about doing the right things, feels indignant when you witness some unjustice happenings, or plainly wants to sin lesser. The enemy of living a righteous life is purely “self- reliance”. This month is an “exam” month for me, hibernating and digging my head into the pile of books and all.
I started the entire exams with all those modules that requires calculus. If you know me, i never believe in MATHS. I still can’t convince myself that integration, differentiation (or worse they’re trying to make my life difficult by making us learn what’s partial differentiation”) would make a fair deal in my working life in future. The “calculating” papers were hard, (i literally stared at POA paper when i saw the first question) and there was this groaning and grumbling spirit within me. I smsed Dennis, Shar about the papers and all that i think i screwed up big time, thoughts of plurging off the edge of Singapore Expo Exhibition Centre did crossed my mind. Of cos, i didn’t do it, i will be dumb to do it.
All the way till 2 saturdays ago, during the shepherds meet, He really spanked me hard, the Holy Spirit did not just showed me the images that i was complaining, “haiz-ing” away, but He showed me my deepest issue in my heart, i am too reliant on myself. Relying on myself to study, to do the exams, and the ending result. I totally missed out what is it to partner with God. When God used Shirls to show me the different dimension of living a righteous life, i know i am guilty of this. Robbing a righteous life is not lies, sins and etc, it’s the fact that “you think you can do it on your own”, and ultimately it’s robbing the role of God in your life, it’s freaking scary.
I still have paper(s) coming along, but i have chosen to partner with my Maker. I have chosen to trust and not doubt in what He has planned for me. (Since anyway, He had everything planned and i just have to carry it out), He still holds nothing but the best for me.
Thanks God!
The past 1 week has been rather gruesome for me. My uncle went for operation on monday and since then till thursday, i have been travelling down to hospital every single day. My heart really aches to see both my uncle and auntie. Auntie is old and her legs are swollen, told me that she heard someone talking to her in the middle of the night (probably due to the stress given by the situation), yet has to travel to and fro to visit my uncle every single day.
I am really fearful for that day to come. I am really afraid that i can no longer compartmentalised my emotions and appear to be okay to the people around. No point you make everyone to worry with you and etc.
Can you pray along with us for my uncle? We really need a miracle. God, please move!
Ministry wise, oh well.I can sum it up that God is really testing and pruning me. I can feel the pain. Still believing that there will always be a rainbow after the rain. Please pray for me. Thanks!
Main exams are coming. I feel lost and helpless. HAIZ.
Actually, there are times that i wish to tell the people around that i am not as strong as you all think.
February is indeed exciting and of course, of a special meaning as well. Just 1 more hour, it will be our 10th anniversary. It’s really a long long long journey.
Lover of my life,
This post is dedicated to you! I really can’t imagine the days without knowing you so personally and in such a tangible manner. As i look back at our relationship, you’re always the one who’s there when i needed someone listening to my rantings, those “emo” talk with you, those moments that you spoke right through my heart and life. Nothing can trade me off, this relationship i have with you.
It wasn’t a smooth sailing one for us, but thank you for staying through thick and thin with me, thanks for being faithful in your words, i know that even if the whole world fails me, you will never will. 10 years ago, i chose to know you through a friend of mine, got into this relationship with you, with a heart that just wanting to “try things out”, but since i know you, i can’t help but to fall deeper in love with you.
I grow up in a violent and incomplete (at least to me) family. There were broken relationship (especially with my brother) that i once thought that i couldn’t solve or improve in. But you made a way. You are the intermedaries that bridge the broken relationship, removing the dust in my eyes, and showing me different dimensions of their love they have for me. For now, we talk more and naturally. However, i need still need your help to continually work in my family so that they can come to know you as well.
Last year, was a hard-going year for me, thanks for helping me through my days of “depression”. You’re awesome by sending people around in my life to show their concern and love for me. If not, i will still be stucked in the “dark side” of my life.
Aiyo, i think if i were to continue typing, this will never end.
In summary, i just wanna say thank you for fulfilling and maximising the best in me through these years.
I will want to love you with all i have, all i am.
Thanks!
Cheng
Filed under: learnings, My happenings., Myself, school, Summation of my week
Now we are at the start of the second month of the year 2010. It’s freaking fast. Soon, i will be taking my prelims. I really can’t afford to fail any modules this semester. But seriously, i really CMI for POA, Maths and other modules that has figures. Becos another year would mean another lengthy process of borrowing money from bank and to graduate. Therefore, i got to start preparing soon. Prelims are as follows:
| 7/02/2010 | SAT | 10:00 | 12:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-STAT1 | MCK | |
| 27/02/2010 | SAT | 14:15 | 16:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-MATH1 | MCK | |
| 01/03/2010 | MON | 10:00 | 13:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-ECONS | MCK | |
| 02/03/2010 | TUE | 10:00 | 13:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-POA | MCK | |
| 02/03/2010 | TUE | 14:15 | 17:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-ESAP | MCK | |
| 13/03/2010 | SAT | 10:00 | 13:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-PMKG | MCK |
Yes, 2 Saturdays are gone because of my prelims. God, i need you and i want to go through this tough season with you.
What God spoke to me recently was the deeper meaning of the verse that most of us would have heard of or we would have read through as we read the Bible.
30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] – Mark 12:30
Since young, we were being taught that in order for us to have success over the things that we do, we’ve got to 用心, 用脑, 用力.
We’ve got to concentrate to do what we are given. I always remember that my mother always ask me to use my heart to listen to my teacher in class. When i am unsure of all the maths questions that exist, my cousin always force me to “use my brain”. When my aunt brings me to market when i was small, i just want to throw tantrum that i got no strength to help her to carry things, she would say “use my strength” (when i was helping her reluctantly). All these are great attributes that were inculcated in us that to do well in exams or CCA, we need to be use our heart, mind, strength. Then i began to ask God, then soul lei?
He revealed to me. 断魂 usually is used to describe people who met with an accident and his soul was gone (died). It’s so true that if we don’t love God with our heart (which means that we have other things in life that we may set it above God), don’t love God with all our soul (just doing all the physical work e.g.: purely working for the sake of working and not refreshed by God with our souls through daily QT, we will also 断魂 spiritually), don’t love God with our mind (we are not kingdom minded? Becos when you’re forcing your brain to think, you’ll think what are the decisions that you’ve got to make so as to please the One you love), lastly, don’t love God with your strength (you’re practically doing all the talking and not living it out). Love God –> Work it out with your strength.
Wow. Only when we engage in worshipping God with our heart, soul, mind and strength, there we will experience divine exchange with the Almighty.
Christmas is over, camp is over!!!!!!!!!!
It marks the end of December, not just that, it also marks the end of the year 2009. I belong to the group of people who didn’t started the year well, and most probably, i didn’t end it well as well.
As the book of this year is drawing to a close in like less than 12 hours time, i still wanna thank God for His grace and love in my life. It may sound cliche. But these words are heart-felt words. Though 2009 wasn’t / isn’t the BEST year for me, but i guess i grow the most in this year.
Believe God really expand me in my thoughts life, my spiritual bargaining sessions with Him, the questions that i thought i knew how to answer when i was younger and found out that it isn’t so at the latter part. Serving God is like a journey like that. The more you spend your time and life with Him, the more you will discover, learn something new. I always hated mundane stuff, worse still, doing things that i don’t see the value or purpose in it. However, next year, it will mark the 10th anniversary with Him, i am rather amazed that i am still doing what i am or was doing 10 years ago, and where and who i am now that He brought me towards.
The greatest lesson that will mark 2009 that i have learnt, was the meaning of second chances. That was the incident whereby i crashed my brother’s car. The feeling of your closed one no longer trust you or is willing to give you that second chance is really tormenting. And this brought me unto another level of understanding that i should and cannot take God’s grace for granted. Many times, we just sin and repent, thinking that “aiya, God will give me second chance”. But the issue is not about how many second chances God will give you, but it’s a question, how many times do you want to break God’s heart? Cos we all know that God is love and He’s the second chance (s) giver.
I pray that this new year will be a new beginning, in my relationships, my studies and ministry. I know that it surely won’t be a bed of roses. I just pray that i will have the strength to go through it.
Filed under: Myself
December is going to be gone at a blink of my eyes. Many things awaits me to go through. Hmmm, till now, i still can’t come to terms that what is happening in my family clan. It makes me to really ponder “why like that?”, hoping that someone can enlighten me. First was my third auntie who broke the news last week to us that she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She’s someone who really doted on me when i was young, there were times that she and my third uncle will bring me out. I could still remember that once they brought me to a departmental store and asked me to pick anything that i want. That was the time i remembered. Cos no one has given me this liberty (financially and physically) to buy anything i like. Though as i grow up, i have lesser interaction with her, but i still love her. Upon hearing the news that she is having cancer, my spirit is still “i want to do something”, i told dennis about it and asked him to pray for my aunt, trusting that God will make this incident to be a blessing in disguise. I called my cousin immediately and discussed how we can bridge her closer to God (e..g.: healing service). I was still quite expectant to see how God is going to work as i continue to pray.
However, this week, my second auntie’s husband, who is very close to my heart was told by the doctor that his previous cancer cells has spread in his lungs. If you are really know me, you would know what are the fears in my life. Fears of not passing exams, parental persecution(in the past), fears to do something right, all these i know by God’s grace, He was the one who gave me the courage. But when the news of my uncle’s cancer cells have spread, it seems that i lost that courage to face it, or rather i lost the drive to do what i was supposed to do. I may seems okay. But i am not. I teared. My colleague felt something amiss yesterday when i was at work. However, i just continue to be the “normal” me so that i won’t have to share what’s going on.
What i did was to spend today to be filled with activities so that i won’t sink into another round of depression, i can’t go to school. I just came back from swimming.
Camp is coming. I want to be okay, but i really don’t know how.
I think i am at the phase where i need to confront myself some “hard questions”.
In sociology, the word itself refers to a study in social structures in our soicety where the social institutions (e.g.: family, church, school etc) internalised values and norms in us, consciously or unconsciously in our lives and that affects our behaviours and personalities.
The “beliefs” that i have, are they truth or we agree simply becos “we were taught so”.
As i start to think and question certain things in my own walk with God, revisiting my values and beliefs, above all else, i know that i love God and i am truly grateful to Him for what He has done, or is doing. Loving God, the core of all is our relationship with Him, not the friends we worked with, not programmes, definitely not roles and responsibilities, environment. All these are good to have, but the most crucial of all, is to know that you’re growing to be more like Him.
Filed under: Myself
I don’t look forward to tomorrow. It seems that i have endless things on my late. I have 1 assignment due on next saturday, school work to catch up on. I am really stress. Even (the number of hairs i dropped) is a evident sign that i am stress. Ministry that i have to pray and plan to advance His people and the teams. ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But in the midst of this, i still want to “take a step back and remember my call”. It’s freaking easy to get suck into the routine of doing things and not going through your day with God. However, one part of me wish that i don’t have to start anything. ALL my “have-tos” will become “had”.
Holy Spirit… Help!!!!!!!!!!
Many happenings. Last week was a busy week. Went for GC and all. GC was a time of refreshing time to once again being reminded by God why i love this church and to fulfill the Great Commission in my lifetime. The workshop “leading Gen-Y” left many nuggets of thoughts to really seriously think about bringing my ministry unto another level. We can’t be stagnent.
Oh well. The main question that made me pondering and meditating is the following phrase that He has spoken to me during one of the worship:
“If God is your anything, He can’t be your everything.
If God is your everything, He can’t be your anything.”
It makes perfect sense to me. And i was shocked when He spoke to me about this. I can’t deny that there are moments in my life that i think i treated God as “anything”- like a good to have person. It could be becos the environment that we are in shaped us who we are, that’s why there’s a beverage called “anything” and “whatever”.
“If God never speak to me, anything lor”
“I pray lar, but it’s up to God to answer or not lor”
“I pray for the sake of praying”
“I pray when i am in deep shit”
All these statments just made God to be “anything” in our lives. When we recognise that He is our everything, when we pray, when we do ministry etc, it’s going to be so different. Just like King David. To him, God is His everything.
I want God to be everything.
- In my life
- In my studies
- In my family
- In my ministry
