6 days after i last posted, my father passed away. He left us in a sudden way, he left us not becos of his chronic problems, but simply becos of the deadly virus that he caught when he was hospitalized. Honestly, i didn’t posted anything about him ever since he left us, partly is becase i can’t bring myself to think/ reflect or even evaluate my relationship with him. Seriously, all the memories that i had with him was when i was young. I don’t like certain things of what he did to us, my mother and all, and all these black spots became magnified even as i grow up, till the entire white paper was tainted with black spots. His departure to me, was a sudden realisation of many things that i was once so blinded, and i hate myself for doing so.
When you could have went around, earning more money for the family, you came and fetch me to parkway amusement park every week, just so that i could play the rides i love.
I miss the times that i often fought the food with you… Though many times, i would gave in.
Those times that you would often eat a whole load of pasta when i cook them.
When mother bought bread for me to bring to school, how you would secretely ate them.
Realised that you had never requested anything BIG or expensive, but happy when the family gathers for dinner or such.
I don’t know how to continue from here.
Seriously, whatever you’ve done, i’m glad i’ve got a chance to tell you “you’re a good father”.
I often complain that i had a “incomplete” family as i grew up in an environment where violence were often witnessed. But the matter of fact, my definition of “incomplete” changed. Being incomplete means when someone is missing, when your family member is missing.
I will honor the words i last said to you… “I’ll take care of mother”.
The nuggets of truth that i have been chewing on is the fact that to be righteous, it is NOT so much about doing the right things, feels indignant when you witness some unjustice happenings, or plainly wants to sin lesser. The enemy of living a righteous life is purely “self- reliance”. This month is an “exam” month for me, hibernating and digging my head into the pile of books and all.
I started the entire exams with all those modules that requires calculus. If you know me, i never believe in MATHS. I still can’t convince myself that integration, differentiation (or worse they’re trying to make my life difficult by making us learn what’s partial differentiation”) would make a fair deal in my working life in future. The “calculating” papers were hard, (i literally stared at POA paper when i saw the first question) and there was this groaning and grumbling spirit within me. I smsed Dennis, Shar about the papers and all that i think i screwed up big time, thoughts of plurging off the edge of Singapore Expo Exhibition Centre did crossed my mind. Of cos, i didn’t do it, i will be dumb to do it.
All the way till 2 saturdays ago, during the shepherds meet, He really spanked me hard, the Holy Spirit did not just showed me the images that i was complaining, “haiz-ing” away, but He showed me my deepest issue in my heart, i am too reliant on myself. Relying on myself to study, to do the exams, and the ending result. I totally missed out what is it to partner with God. When God used Shirls to show me the different dimension of living a righteous life, i know i am guilty of this. Robbing a righteous life is not lies, sins and etc, it’s the fact that “you think you can do it on your own”, and ultimately it’s robbing the role of God in your life, it’s freaking scary.
I still have paper(s) coming along, but i have chosen to partner with my Maker. I have chosen to trust and not doubt in what He has planned for me. (Since anyway, He had everything planned and i just have to carry it out), He still holds nothing but the best for me.
Thanks God!
Just wanna spend some time to journal things down, things that i can really say “thank you” to God from the bottom of my heart, and not just doing or saying it for the sake of it.
1. Thank God for yingjie and yanyu who really “surprise-d” me with their visit at my doorstep with a box of lasagna and a bottle of honey water. Ate and shared the food with glad and sincere heart. =) It’s your acts that really touched me that even though the visit is becos of physical sickness visit, but i see it as an encouraging spirit visit.
2. The attempt that we went to Meng’s house to BBQ, smoked her neighbours and burnt her table. I was kinda really excited cos i had never done this ever in my life, to challenge HDB! HAHAHA. Thank God her neighbours didn’t call the police due to the sudden smoky air, however not sparring us the “weird” look.
3. Seems exciting so far? The best part of it all is that i truly experienced God today. Meng, my nephew (Jeriel) and i went to the open grass patch, just next to my house to “try to fly kite”. I had to admit that i am really excited and i really didn’t wanna disappoint this small little boy’s expectation- to fly a kite. So i just quickly remove the kite from the cover and try to make it fly. After many many, many attempts, the kite still can’t fly and i was puzzled why the kite can’t even flip open its sides, let alone seeing it flying in the sky. Then a good samaritan came to us and told us that a stick was missing, the stick that was supposed to support the sides of the kite. When i know about that, i still scolded my brother for being dumb not to check the kite during the purchase. When i got home, told the entire story to my mother, and she said that she’s sure that there is a stick in the cover which i denied seeing it (the fact was that i really didnt). On one hand, i felt bad that i MIGHT lose the stick as i was too excited to remove the cover and not realised that the stick dropped out as well. By that time, it was 7 plus, the sky was almost or rather seemingly dark. I decided to take a detour back to the original route that i took to look for the stick (if i lose it). All that the 3 of us had was Meng’s handphone’s flash to look around the vast area of the field. Like the Chinese saying, it feels like “trying to recover a needle from the seabed”. Just as all of us decided to go back, i turned, and prayed. And the most freaking thing was that the stick was shinning at me suddenly before me. WOW. Talking about the benefits of instant noodles, try instant prayers! It’s even more awesome!
God can speak to you regardless of your heart condition – - – simply becos He loves you and never want to let you go.
YAY! Above all, we’ve got 4 converts within these 2 weeks!
I want to do life with You.
The past 1 week has been rather gruesome for me. My uncle went for operation on monday and since then till thursday, i have been travelling down to hospital every single day. My heart really aches to see both my uncle and auntie. Auntie is old and her legs are swollen, told me that she heard someone talking to her in the middle of the night (probably due to the stress given by the situation), yet has to travel to and fro to visit my uncle every single day.
I am really fearful for that day to come. I am really afraid that i can no longer compartmentalised my emotions and appear to be okay to the people around. No point you make everyone to worry with you and etc.
Can you pray along with us for my uncle? We really need a miracle. God, please move!
Ministry wise, oh well.I can sum it up that God is really testing and pruning me. I can feel the pain. Still believing that there will always be a rainbow after the rain. Please pray for me. Thanks!
Main exams are coming. I feel lost and helpless. HAIZ.
Actually, there are times that i wish to tell the people around that i am not as strong as you all think.
Filed under: learnings, My happenings., Myself, school, Summation of my week
Now we are at the start of the second month of the year 2010. It’s freaking fast. Soon, i will be taking my prelims. I really can’t afford to fail any modules this semester. But seriously, i really CMI for POA, Maths and other modules that has figures. Becos another year would mean another lengthy process of borrowing money from bank and to graduate. Therefore, i got to start preparing soon. Prelims are as follows:
| 7/02/2010 | SAT | 10:00 | 12:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-STAT1 | MCK | |
| 27/02/2010 | SAT | 14:15 | 16:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-MATH1 | MCK | |
| 01/03/2010 | MON | 10:00 | 13:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-ECONS | MCK | |
| 02/03/2010 | TUE | 10:00 | 13:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-POA | MCK | |
| 02/03/2010 | TUE | 14:15 | 17:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-ESAP | MCK | |
| 13/03/2010 | SAT | 10:00 | 13:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-PMKG | MCK |
Yes, 2 Saturdays are gone because of my prelims. God, i need you and i want to go through this tough season with you.
What God spoke to me recently was the deeper meaning of the verse that most of us would have heard of or we would have read through as we read the Bible.
30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] – Mark 12:30
Since young, we were being taught that in order for us to have success over the things that we do, we’ve got to 用心, 用脑, 用力.
We’ve got to concentrate to do what we are given. I always remember that my mother always ask me to use my heart to listen to my teacher in class. When i am unsure of all the maths questions that exist, my cousin always force me to “use my brain”. When my aunt brings me to market when i was small, i just want to throw tantrum that i got no strength to help her to carry things, she would say “use my strength” (when i was helping her reluctantly). All these are great attributes that were inculcated in us that to do well in exams or CCA, we need to be use our heart, mind, strength. Then i began to ask God, then soul lei?
He revealed to me. 断魂 usually is used to describe people who met with an accident and his soul was gone (died). It’s so true that if we don’t love God with our heart (which means that we have other things in life that we may set it above God), don’t love God with all our soul (just doing all the physical work e.g.: purely working for the sake of working and not refreshed by God with our souls through daily QT, we will also 断魂 spiritually), don’t love God with our mind (we are not kingdom minded? Becos when you’re forcing your brain to think, you’ll think what are the decisions that you’ve got to make so as to please the One you love), lastly, don’t love God with your strength (you’re practically doing all the talking and not living it out). Love God –> Work it out with your strength.
Wow. Only when we engage in worshipping God with our heart, soul, mind and strength, there we will experience divine exchange with the Almighty.
Filed under: My happenings.
There are so many things that i want to do for God. I responded today that i want to trust Him more in all situations. But i just can’t help to feel what i am feeling right now. Today, we affirmed Fiona Leow, and Dennis prayed a prayer that she will soon be a SDL. Wow! Not that i am insecure or what. But the testimony she shared about the hunger her people wants to do for God is truly amazing. The question that i had in my head was “how come my people never tell me such things”? I can’t help to compare. Obviously i know it’s not right. And it’s a day after i revealed and set my new near resolutions. I just can’t help to be discouraged right now.
Why aren’t the lives of people growing and having breakthroughs?
Why are the people taking so long to rise up?
Why does it seems that we didn’t grow much?
I am serious about growing. How long more? I really really want to see breakthroughs, badly.
It’s been almost 2 weeks since i came back from my retreat to Genting and KL. And i didn’t really had the time to blog or to give an account what i have done over there as once i am back to Singapore, school started and there are many things to follow up and through in my group. So, to cut things short, i’ve done a pictorial form of presentation to give a summary of what i’ve experienced over there…
genting trip
We started our (me, meng and her family) by air. Reached T1 at a super early timing becos the fare is cheap, thus it explains the weird timing to travel. Did many things that i deemed as fun but seems to be super boring to many peeps out there (including meng). We went to play indoor theme park rides. YAY! But i know meng was super disappointed as we can’t go outdoor rides as the mist was super heavy on the last day when we were at the peak. Met ting ting and yong mei there and had fun together. The most memorable ride was the bumper car. I was cornered by a bunch of kids (like 5 of them), one of them even threw a sweet at me. Maybe it’s becos i am too sweet. Arcade was a “sure thing to do” in Genting (especially you’re there for so many days). Look at the monkey’s face that has “see, i’m proud to have these number of tickets”. It’s exchanged with about 400 ringgit.
The last picture was taken on the following day that i was “home sweet home”. On my way back to Singapore, i was being pushed from behind by “i don’t know who” and it was literally “hit-and-run” that left the poor me to be in shock for 1 min, trying to recollect what had caused me to be sitting on the road with a few crack sound on my ankle. The ankle was swollen like an apple and i thought i couldn’t make it back cos it was super, duper painful where my tears were on the verge of gushing out. However, the contradicting thing was that meng cried because she said she could feel the pain that i was feeling. I told jacq that she has a high percentage in the spiritual gifting of mercy. So i spent sat, resting at home and taking photos with my nephew who was amazed at what happened to her aunt’s leg as it was BIG and SMELLY.
All right, that was what happened. And what God has impressed in my heart about the leadership team in my group, i don’t know how but i am just going to do something to reach the place where He wants us to be. These few months has been a battle for me personally. I really want to grow as a child of God, as a leader, as a shepherd. I am burden to see stagnancy in the group, people’s lives. At the same time, sense of disappointments, insecurity crept in that i experience in friendships and relationships with people.
But God has spoke to me, in all circumstances, give thanks, for His grace is more than sufficient for me.
Psalm 30:12
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.
God, even if there aren’t anything in my life to give thanks, but i will still choose to praise and give thanks for who You are and what You have done in my life. This will be my prayer.
Spent my week relatively well and fruitful! I went for a 2 days DISC (Uniquely You ) course and hereby declare that i am a certified “human behavior consultant”. The process of discovering myself and the part about using this tool to empower and develop the potential of the DMM in my group was just mind-blowing. The analysis that Professor Eve. gave to describe and analyse every individuals were so precise, accurate. Awesome! Thank God for dennis who sponsered me to attend the course. At the very least, i learnt some things which i can apply to move the people and the Kingdom ahead.
Met florence for shepherding on Wednesday. We had a good time ctaching up with one another’s life and laugh at one another. And she’s so nice to treat me to dinner at Crystal Jade. We ate “xiao long bao”, ee-mee and porridge. We even debated that the “xiao long bao” that i am talking about was not what she was talking about, however, it was the same thing that we were talking about. Oh well, we ended up finishing her DISC analysis and off she went! Thanks blackie for the treat!
I am still thinking about the part that skepticalism starts with just a “kidding” matter. What’s the bottom line?
Yesterday was a very interesting day. Due to the fact that i came home late as i was stranded cos there wasn’t any more last bus, i slept at 2am and woke up at 7am plus to go to work the next day. My agenda was to sleep after returning from work and spend time with my family. However, guess what? I didn’t get to sleep the entire day! I could literally feel that my eye lids were hanging on by a thin thread. Why? Cos my aunties and uncles came to my house to bless my father with egg tarts and all cos this coming wednesday is his birthday.
I really thank God for my relatives and family as i really really felt loved. My uncle is a taxi driver and he was the one who fetched my 2nd, 4th and youngest auntie(s) to my house for the visit. And after the gathering, they decided to go for dinner at the nearby coffeeshop. I wanted to go badly with them as i hardly and i really want to spend time with my 2nd auntie and uncle. BUT, the taxi is full. It was then, (i think my second brother knows i wanted to go), my brother passed me his car keys. I rejected cos i barely had enough sleep plus it was at night. My vision gets blurred at night one! PLUS the fact that i crashed his car, the phobia was still present.
I thank God cos he still believes in me
I thank God that my brother and my mother loved me so much that they didn’t blurt out that i crashed my bro’s car before. (this could be disastrous if they knew, i can forget to drive next time).
I asked my mother to go with me if i were to drive cos i am scared to go alone. But she don’t want cos she was very tired. However, in the end, she relented and went with me even though she didn’t really want to.
SO, my whole family went for the dinner! Just becos i want to go! I simply just love the BIG BIG family gathering feeling…
my BIG BIG family
We had fish head soup steamboat! It was really awesome! Introducing the people whom i love!!! My auntie and uncle! The both of them really rocks! It’s becos my auntie kept on asking me to go, then my brother went! Hehehe. Sorry that you have to spend alot more!
Thanks for investing in me. Feeding me well and teaching me!
Kudos to her that i can cook! Becos whenever she cooks, i would stand beside her but i never get a chance to get near the wok. =(
(How i wish i can re-wine the time)
God i really want and need you to move! I really want them to be saved!
Today, in just a short few hours, i received many smses that needs my help.
Not that i am unwilling. But i am just thinking. Who do they see me as? Really. (not in a angry or irritated way) But seriously.
For a moment, i really felt that i am just a problem solver. Sharing lives? Not much did. In leadership, many people said that that’s the price to pay— loneliness. Not that i am insecure of what. But i seriously felt even more strongly as i mature and grow. I think that the things that i am doing and can do, many others could do it. So am i serving at the place where i am really serving the fullest potential in His kingdom?
Blog being abandoned for quite some time cos June is soo happening. Once my papers are over, i found myself a job that doesn’t even require me to travel or spend money on transportation cos my working place is just under my block. HEHE. Then afterwhich, it was my birthday (trying my best to recall what happened and to do a 1 month summary). The most memorable part was the never-ending birthday wishes SMSes that bombed my phone on that very day. (even people whom i least expected it). Appreciates them lots… Then my CG went to WARAKU for birthday celebration. It was totally awesome! Dennis ordered soft shell crab!
It’s freaking good and you should try. Their curry udon is BIG enough to cover your face. I’m not kidding!
This is what i chose to eat! It’s some meat pattie with potatoe wedges. When it was served, you can still hear the sizzling sound…
Then after my birthday, i went for the UNSTOPPABLE camp. Took many pictures and something which i really dread to do was that i have to dance during the “battle of the sexes”. God refreshed and renewed me. In camp, we had our very first EASTA SUPER BAND! Ehh, wait… before camp, i was busy with WFL. HAHAHA.
We launched a interesting project WOS. (we don’t want to be WOLS in our growth, and we want to minus Laziness, Love of oneself, to Win Other Souls by SOW (if you turn the 3 letters the other way round.))
Tuesday, i went out with my secondary school friends to have lunch and shopped. It was a great time to catch up with one another!
Yesterday, my mother bought me a new wardrobe and made me unpacked and threw lots of things away. And yesterday was a day that has many happenings as well. I seriously don’t know what’s God up to. But i still want to give thanks despite of my level of understanding.
PS: I am allergic to fish! Can you believe it? But i am not sad, cos i dont really have a thing for fish.
