6 days after i last posted, my father passed away. He left us in a sudden way, he left us not becos of his chronic problems, but simply becos of the deadly virus that he caught when he was hospitalized. Honestly, i didn’t posted anything about him ever since he left us, partly is becase i can’t bring myself to think/ reflect or even evaluate my relationship with him. Seriously, all the memories that i had with him was when i was young. I don’t like certain things of what he did to us, my mother and all, and all these black spots became magnified even as i grow up, till the entire white paper was tainted with black spots. His departure to me, was a sudden realisation of many things that i was once so blinded, and i hate myself for doing so.
When you could have went around, earning more money for the family, you came and fetch me to parkway amusement park every week, just so that i could play the rides i love.
I miss the times that i often fought the food with you… Though many times, i would gave in.
Those times that you would often eat a whole load of pasta when i cook them.
When mother bought bread for me to bring to school, how you would secretely ate them.
Realised that you had never requested anything BIG or expensive, but happy when the family gathers for dinner or such.
I don’t know how to continue from here.
Seriously, whatever you’ve done, i’m glad i’ve got a chance to tell you “you’re a good father”.
I often complain that i had a “incomplete” family as i grew up in an environment where violence were often witnessed. But the matter of fact, my definition of “incomplete” changed. Being incomplete means when someone is missing, when your family member is missing.
I will honor the words i last said to you… “I’ll take care of mother”.
The nuggets of truth that i have been chewing on is the fact that to be righteous, it is NOT so much about doing the right things, feels indignant when you witness some unjustice happenings, or plainly wants to sin lesser. The enemy of living a righteous life is purely “self- reliance”. This month is an “exam” month for me, hibernating and digging my head into the pile of books and all.
I started the entire exams with all those modules that requires calculus. If you know me, i never believe in MATHS. I still can’t convince myself that integration, differentiation (or worse they’re trying to make my life difficult by making us learn what’s partial differentiation”) would make a fair deal in my working life in future. The “calculating” papers were hard, (i literally stared at POA paper when i saw the first question) and there was this groaning and grumbling spirit within me. I smsed Dennis, Shar about the papers and all that i think i screwed up big time, thoughts of plurging off the edge of Singapore Expo Exhibition Centre did crossed my mind. Of cos, i didn’t do it, i will be dumb to do it.
All the way till 2 saturdays ago, during the shepherds meet, He really spanked me hard, the Holy Spirit did not just showed me the images that i was complaining, “haiz-ing” away, but He showed me my deepest issue in my heart, i am too reliant on myself. Relying on myself to study, to do the exams, and the ending result. I totally missed out what is it to partner with God. When God used Shirls to show me the different dimension of living a righteous life, i know i am guilty of this. Robbing a righteous life is not lies, sins and etc, it’s the fact that “you think you can do it on your own”, and ultimately it’s robbing the role of God in your life, it’s freaking scary.
I still have paper(s) coming along, but i have chosen to partner with my Maker. I have chosen to trust and not doubt in what He has planned for me. (Since anyway, He had everything planned and i just have to carry it out), He still holds nothing but the best for me.
Thanks God!
Just wanna spend some time to journal things down, things that i can really say “thank you” to God from the bottom of my heart, and not just doing or saying it for the sake of it.
1. Thank God for yingjie and yanyu who really “surprise-d” me with their visit at my doorstep with a box of lasagna and a bottle of honey water. Ate and shared the food with glad and sincere heart. =) It’s your acts that really touched me that even though the visit is becos of physical sickness visit, but i see it as an encouraging spirit visit.
2. The attempt that we went to Meng’s house to BBQ, smoked her neighbours and burnt her table. I was kinda really excited cos i had never done this ever in my life, to challenge HDB! HAHAHA. Thank God her neighbours didn’t call the police due to the sudden smoky air, however not sparring us the “weird” look.
3. Seems exciting so far? The best part of it all is that i truly experienced God today. Meng, my nephew (Jeriel) and i went to the open grass patch, just next to my house to “try to fly kite”. I had to admit that i am really excited and i really didn’t wanna disappoint this small little boy’s expectation- to fly a kite. So i just quickly remove the kite from the cover and try to make it fly. After many many, many attempts, the kite still can’t fly and i was puzzled why the kite can’t even flip open its sides, let alone seeing it flying in the sky. Then a good samaritan came to us and told us that a stick was missing, the stick that was supposed to support the sides of the kite. When i know about that, i still scolded my brother for being dumb not to check the kite during the purchase. When i got home, told the entire story to my mother, and she said that she’s sure that there is a stick in the cover which i denied seeing it (the fact was that i really didnt). On one hand, i felt bad that i MIGHT lose the stick as i was too excited to remove the cover and not realised that the stick dropped out as well. By that time, it was 7 plus, the sky was almost or rather seemingly dark. I decided to take a detour back to the original route that i took to look for the stick (if i lose it). All that the 3 of us had was Meng’s handphone’s flash to look around the vast area of the field. Like the Chinese saying, it feels like “trying to recover a needle from the seabed”. Just as all of us decided to go back, i turned, and prayed. And the most freaking thing was that the stick was shinning at me suddenly before me. WOW. Talking about the benefits of instant noodles, try instant prayers! It’s even more awesome!
God can speak to you regardless of your heart condition – - – simply becos He loves you and never want to let you go.
YAY! Above all, we’ve got 4 converts within these 2 weeks!
I want to do life with You.
Filed under: learnings, My happenings., Myself, school, Summation of my week
Now we are at the start of the second month of the year 2010. It’s freaking fast. Soon, i will be taking my prelims. I really can’t afford to fail any modules this semester. But seriously, i really CMI for POA, Maths and other modules that has figures. Becos another year would mean another lengthy process of borrowing money from bank and to graduate. Therefore, i got to start preparing soon. Prelims are as follows:
| 7/02/2010 | SAT | 10:00 | 12:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-STAT1 | MCK | |
| 27/02/2010 | SAT | 14:15 | 16:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-MATH1 | MCK | |
| 01/03/2010 | MON | 10:00 | 13:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-ECONS | MCK | |
| 02/03/2010 | TUE | 10:00 | 13:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-POA | MCK | |
| 02/03/2010 | TUE | 14:15 | 17:15 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-ESAP | MCK | |
| 13/03/2010 | SAT | 10:00 | 13:00 | HQ | HALL4.03 | PUOLFT/AA-PMKG | MCK |
Yes, 2 Saturdays are gone because of my prelims. God, i need you and i want to go through this tough season with you.
What God spoke to me recently was the deeper meaning of the verse that most of us would have heard of or we would have read through as we read the Bible.
30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[a] – Mark 12:30
Since young, we were being taught that in order for us to have success over the things that we do, we’ve got to 用心, 用脑, 用力.
We’ve got to concentrate to do what we are given. I always remember that my mother always ask me to use my heart to listen to my teacher in class. When i am unsure of all the maths questions that exist, my cousin always force me to “use my brain”. When my aunt brings me to market when i was small, i just want to throw tantrum that i got no strength to help her to carry things, she would say “use my strength” (when i was helping her reluctantly). All these are great attributes that were inculcated in us that to do well in exams or CCA, we need to be use our heart, mind, strength. Then i began to ask God, then soul lei?
He revealed to me. 断魂 usually is used to describe people who met with an accident and his soul was gone (died). It’s so true that if we don’t love God with our heart (which means that we have other things in life that we may set it above God), don’t love God with all our soul (just doing all the physical work e.g.: purely working for the sake of working and not refreshed by God with our souls through daily QT, we will also 断魂 spiritually), don’t love God with our mind (we are not kingdom minded? Becos when you’re forcing your brain to think, you’ll think what are the decisions that you’ve got to make so as to please the One you love), lastly, don’t love God with your strength (you’re practically doing all the talking and not living it out). Love God –> Work it out with your strength.
Wow. Only when we engage in worshipping God with our heart, soul, mind and strength, there we will experience divine exchange with the Almighty.
Christmas is over, camp is over!!!!!!!!!!
It marks the end of December, not just that, it also marks the end of the year 2009. I belong to the group of people who didn’t started the year well, and most probably, i didn’t end it well as well.
As the book of this year is drawing to a close in like less than 12 hours time, i still wanna thank God for His grace and love in my life. It may sound cliche. But these words are heart-felt words. Though 2009 wasn’t / isn’t the BEST year for me, but i guess i grow the most in this year.
Believe God really expand me in my thoughts life, my spiritual bargaining sessions with Him, the questions that i thought i knew how to answer when i was younger and found out that it isn’t so at the latter part. Serving God is like a journey like that. The more you spend your time and life with Him, the more you will discover, learn something new. I always hated mundane stuff, worse still, doing things that i don’t see the value or purpose in it. However, next year, it will mark the 10th anniversary with Him, i am rather amazed that i am still doing what i am or was doing 10 years ago, and where and who i am now that He brought me towards.
The greatest lesson that will mark 2009 that i have learnt, was the meaning of second chances. That was the incident whereby i crashed my brother’s car. The feeling of your closed one no longer trust you or is willing to give you that second chance is really tormenting. And this brought me unto another level of understanding that i should and cannot take God’s grace for granted. Many times, we just sin and repent, thinking that “aiya, God will give me second chance”. But the issue is not about how many second chances God will give you, but it’s a question, how many times do you want to break God’s heart? Cos we all know that God is love and He’s the second chance (s) giver.
I pray that this new year will be a new beginning, in my relationships, my studies and ministry. I know that it surely won’t be a bed of roses. I just pray that i will have the strength to go through it.
I just finished directing a drama mime production that last for 2 weeks, we only had 5 rehearsals. I would have to agree that it was a tough challenge to me as this was my first mime production. Normal theatre drama, and mime are all different. I’m a noob in this, i did research, killed my brain cells by thinking how to protray the routinary lives in people and that, finds something missing that only their Maker can fills and satisfies. From what i can remember, this experience is also one of the few that mostly, i was on my own. Thinking of the storyline, rehearsals, props, music, lights and all. Thank God for dennis. At least he came to rescue me in some ways. After my Genting trip, seriously, i was really really scared that we may not “make it” as we’re way behind time and all.
You know what? It’s so easy to be consumed by all the thoughts of our own and be in our own world. Trying to fix things and do your best in thinking how to get everything moving on your own. BUT we missed out something…
On our full dress rehearsal, (i think florence could tell) i was going to burst. We only had that time 7-7.45pm to integrate everything together. MM, lights, sound, actors, props. It was a messy situation. My actors were late, i couldn’t find white face paint, actors can’t flip the boards properly. OMGGGG! However, there’s a voice that came by and said “it’s all for me”. It was then, that i told God, ya! It’s for you and your people. We do what we can, and You do what we can’t. I was stressed about the technicalities (cos i’m a perfectionist), but at ease within cos i know the ultimate hero is and will rescue me. And you know what? He did. I wouldn’t say that it was a perfect performance, but i would say that it was another experience i have with God that shows His grace and mercy is more than sufficient for me.
Yesterday’s ULM was great. Marcus mentioned that worship is not about singing to God nicely and to make sure you don’t go off tune. But worship is about singing your heart sincerely to God. I did.” You’re beautiful to me, You’ll be my song for all eternity, You’re overtaking every part of me. You’re beautiful to me.” Is God overtaking you or someone/ something else? I was a victim of that once.
Many happenings. Last week was a busy week. Went for GC and all. GC was a time of refreshing time to once again being reminded by God why i love this church and to fulfill the Great Commission in my lifetime. The workshop “leading Gen-Y” left many nuggets of thoughts to really seriously think about bringing my ministry unto another level. We can’t be stagnent.
Oh well. The main question that made me pondering and meditating is the following phrase that He has spoken to me during one of the worship:
“If God is your anything, He can’t be your everything.
If God is your everything, He can’t be your anything.”
It makes perfect sense to me. And i was shocked when He spoke to me about this. I can’t deny that there are moments in my life that i think i treated God as “anything”- like a good to have person. It could be becos the environment that we are in shaped us who we are, that’s why there’s a beverage called “anything” and “whatever”.
“If God never speak to me, anything lor”
“I pray lar, but it’s up to God to answer or not lor”
“I pray for the sake of praying”
“I pray when i am in deep shit”
All these statments just made God to be “anything” in our lives. When we recognise that He is our everything, when we pray, when we do ministry etc, it’s going to be so different. Just like King David. To him, God is His everything.
I want God to be everything.
- In my life
- In my studies
- In my family
- In my ministry
I went to exercise today for almost 40 minutes. I think i am beginning to enjoy the process of working out. Not becos i love to exercise, but simply because of the person whom i am working out with. No one was with me except Him. As i am doing all the pulling-ups, my mind just can’t stop working. I prayed and talked to Him. It just simply feels that the park just belongs to us. He spoke to me about many things. The main thing that struck my heart was this…
I made this using photoshop and purposefully made the effect around the pictures cos i am trying to portray what’s on my mind there and then.
I realised that there are things that we don’t like and don’t even know why they exist at the first place. For instance, i really don’t know why God created bean sprouts, however, what kimberly said made sense when i was watching Susan eating her fish meat noodles. She said “becos there are people who love it”. Well, maybe that’s its purpose of existence and of cos i know it’s a kind of veggie that keeps us healthy.
As for me, i hate the sun cos it makes me feel hot and ineffective. I dislike birds flying around when i am working out becos their “bomb(s)” could be on me anytime. I was watching the trees. They seems like they are just some ornaments to give a little color to our “green” environment. The rubbish bins, i don’t see people appreciating the rubbish bins for its existence.
Well. This verse came into my mind…
John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Everything that exists on this surface of the earth, there’s a purpose and a reason that the Creator has for them, that’s to live their life and live it to their fullest. Even those things that we dislike or don’t understand the existence of it. For me, i really don’t understand why God created bean sprouts. But on saturday, while i was watching Susan eating her fish meat noodles with bean sprouts, i made the same comment. However, now as i recount, what Kimberly said was true, “becos there are people who love it.” Well, it could be the purpose of its existence, and of cos i know it’s a kind of veggie that keeps others healthy.
The sun exist becos we depend on it to dry our clothes and to carry on our daily activities. The trees are responsible to provide oxygen to us and for the birds to perch on it. The birds plays a important role in the eco-system and also to help other plants to carry on their reproduction cycle by dispersing seeds (if not, certain plants may have extinct as well). The rubbish bins. The purpose of the rubbin bins are for us to throw our unwanted stuff so as to keep the place we live in a better and cleanier place to live in. I can’t imagine that every step that i take, i am stepping on all kinds of rubbish.
It just dawned unto me that everything that my creator created, there’s a sole purpose and reason for existence, to live their live and live it to its fullest. Even those slighest and irritating things that we think they are rubbish, but there’s still a reason why they are on the earth.
In the same way, how much more when we are created in God’s image? There are times when we said “i’m lousy and useless”, or ” i think the world can do without me”, “i am worse than anything else”. I think if i am the creator, these statements hurt. Becos i created them to live and live to its full and they are not redundant as much as we think we are. I just question myself that “am i just living a life? Or living it to the fullest?” What’s yours?
