Filed under: Uncategorized
What happens when all your ideal scenarios, picture of the future, even the image of your future that’s based on your conviction is blurred?
One big weakness or (depending how one sees it) of mine is the pursuit of perfection. Guess this also influenced my nephew. There was once when he refused to eat his favourite braised egg when my mom accidentally chipped off some parts of it while trying to scoup it up. HAHA.
Truth to be told, i don’t like failures, (i will just keep blaming myself). However, God taught me what it means to gaze upon His grace and not just focusing on myself. But the thing that’s on my mind is that after speaking to Shar on Monday night, i really can’t convince myself to contribute or giving and living my all to something that i won’t see it in future (something that i all along believed that i will see it).
I hope my decision will not disappoint myself…
Filed under: Uncategorized
Many of us will have this kinda feeling once in awhile…
Being here in…
Life is pretty like a maze to me now. You know where youhave started, but you will never know how you are going to find your way through to your destination. It’s exciting huh? UOL results will be out in late Aug or early Sept (perhaps, i am getting older, thus i am now thinking far ahead, however at the same time, how i wish that day won’t come so fast). It’s either i will continue to study (hmmm, takes alot of faith to see how God is gonna move in my maths paper) or i will have to work.
Personally, i don’t know if it’s becos of my made-up or it has to do with personality, i don’t really enjoy the process of finding my way in the maze, when i realised there’s “no way through”, then i will have to detour back and find my way back to the destination. Allow me to note down my thoughts deeper, why? 1. I think it’s a waste of time. 2. I hate the fact that i am in a maze? HAHAHA.
Come to think about it, even so it’s my make-up or whatsoever, if things could be as simpler as knowing where you will start, and where you will end up at, things will be a little bit different. How things would be diff? 1. BORING. (imagine you play monopoly board games, you know the trick on how to win, it’s no longer fun. Fun was becos your friend’s responses, decisions are unpredictable and when you win the game, that feeling is like AWESOME cos you defeated all your friend’s strategies. 2. There’s no need for God to work in my life. Cos pretty much i will know where i will be aheading, and even if there’s a block, i still know how to find and work things out…
So which is better?
I know i am weird, *i don’t like my life to as plain as plain water, neither too exciting that i can’t expect what it is to come*.
But one thing i am sure of. I have a God who will elevates me to a bird’s eye view of things, just that i have to wait (this principle still applies even when you’re taking a lift, you still got to wait for the elevator to lift you up to the level that you want to go), and someone who sees my future ahead than what i can see.
Ok, great to settle my thoughts here.
Still believing…
Rev 3:8
“8 I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no-one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.”
Filed under: Myself
I guess it’s the fast paced society (as such Singapore) that caught me the art of doing everything with great effectiveness and efficiency. Probably the way i live my life (you can obeserve just by looking at the speed that i walk) leads to the fact that i have to monitor my blood pressure. Just doing a reflection that honestly, as i grow up, i can’t stand slow-ness. Whenever i see or were to use a system that i know that it’s redundant and could be improved, it irks me, when i am walking and if there’s someone who is/are (not elderly) and they are blocking the way, i will stop and stare at them from the back for awhile. Today i went to Singtel Comcentre as Iphone is giving me some problem, and the worst thing is that all my stuff are gone (due to my laziness to syn everything), oh well, need to learn my lesson (my USS photos!!!). Oh ya! Digressed. Ya, i went to Singtel and went to interchange to get some stuff and run some errands, gosh, i can’t imagine that i i have said “Cheng, you’re not rushing for time today, slow down” numerous times as i realised i was walking at a speed that i just unknowingly overtaking many people.
As numerous times i told myself that i need to slow down my pace, it fails everytime. But today as i think through, if you understand God’s grace, you will enjoy slowness.
“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you,”
I need to understand God’s grace so as to go slow and be patient with people and stuff around.
6 days after i last posted, my father passed away. He left us in a sudden way, he left us not becos of his chronic problems, but simply becos of the deadly virus that he caught when he was hospitalized. Honestly, i didn’t posted anything about him ever since he left us, partly is becase i can’t bring myself to think/ reflect or even evaluate my relationship with him. Seriously, all the memories that i had with him was when i was young. I don’t like certain things of what he did to us, my mother and all, and all these black spots became magnified even as i grow up, till the entire white paper was tainted with black spots. His departure to me, was a sudden realisation of many things that i was once so blinded, and i hate myself for doing so.
When you could have went around, earning more money for the family, you came and fetch me to parkway amusement park every week, just so that i could play the rides i love.
I miss the times that i often fought the food with you… Though many times, i would gave in.
Those times that you would often eat a whole load of pasta when i cook them.
When mother bought bread for me to bring to school, how you would secretely ate them.
Realised that you had never requested anything BIG or expensive, but happy when the family gathers for dinner or such.
I don’t know how to continue from here.
Seriously, whatever you’ve done, i’m glad i’ve got a chance to tell you “you’re a good father”.
I often complain that i had a “incomplete” family as i grew up in an environment where violence were often witnessed. But the matter of fact, my definition of “incomplete” changed. Being incomplete means when someone is missing, when your family member is missing.
I will honor the words i last said to you… “I’ll take care of mother”.
Filed under: Uncategorized
God just opened my spiritual eyes to see faith in another deeper manner. What rang through in my head was this verse…
17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (Jas 2)
What we normally understood from this verse is that when we say that we want to have faith in God (lips), we’ve got to do it with actions, if not your faith would be as good as dead.
BUT
What i learnt was that having Christian faith in our life, we’ve got to live it out so that others will know that the God that we have faith in is alive in us. In contrast, if in our daily lives, we don’t live out in faith, God would be as good as dead (to put it bluntly).
Why did i say that was that God spoke to me that why having faith is so important is because:
1. We would expect greater things from God
2. Inspire others to have greater faith in God.
We would expect greater things from God cos through small and big experiences that we have with Him and we know that with faith, He works, we can believe and want to have more faith in believing God for greater things.
Next, as i want to give God the honor and glory that He deserves, i sent smses around (even for my eldest brother and his wife) to share this good news. There are people who replied “wow…” or ” i also want to experience such things”. Faith is contagious, do we infect the people around us with faith or deflate them by not living out life with faith? That’s your choice.
It just feels so good that i understood and see faith in another light. My God is awesome.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Okay, i’m sorry blog that i abandoned you for quite some time. But i am back now to jot down my thoughts and learnings again.
To cut the long story short, God performed another miracle before my eyes, with regards to my handphone. The first one was that the scratches of my 1 month old handphone was gone after praying. Second experience was that He revived my phone that dropped into the toilet bowl last friday. It’s truly amazing. I can try my best in describing how it went and all, but you’ve got to experience it on your own so as to know the joy and the sense of thankfulness that i have towards God. On last friday, i “don’t- know- why” has the urge to bring my handphone into the toilet when i wanted to pee. And the next thing that i know was that, the phone slipped out from my left pocket and i heard literally a “BIG SPLASH” and after turning my head to check what was the cause, i was shocked, my phone became a submarine in that toilet bowl that i had yet flushed. My first instinct was to remove it from water and put it under the running tap (as i am some weird cleaniness freak). Thank God i didn’t. I was devasted to the max that i reaslised that the phone could not on, the screen went blank, wireless cant be detacted, side volume buttons were not lit up, worst, my keypad was gone (when i press “k”, other alphabets appeared like “@”.) I tried removing the battery, air it and all, it still doesnt work. On saturday, i put on the battery, and it’s even worse, it is not even responding. HAIZ! I can’t let my brother know about this becos the phone was a xmas present from him 2 yrs ago and he paid 438 for that. And due to my contract is still still valid, if i were to change phone, i would want an iphone but i don’t have enough yet. So that was how bad it was…
3 days later, i don’t know how. God revived my phone (sound so spiritual, like Jesus, 3 days later it was alive). My mother was shock that it was working as she’s one of those who scolded me and the one who said that my phone confirmed is a “gone case”. God hears your little little prayers and He is faithful when you choose to trust and hope in Him. Well, this lead to some learnings that i have… (TBContinued)
The nuggets of truth that i have been chewing on is the fact that to be righteous, it is NOT so much about doing the right things, feels indignant when you witness some unjustice happenings, or plainly wants to sin lesser. The enemy of living a righteous life is purely “self- reliance”. This month is an “exam” month for me, hibernating and digging my head into the pile of books and all.
I started the entire exams with all those modules that requires calculus. If you know me, i never believe in MATHS. I still can’t convince myself that integration, differentiation (or worse they’re trying to make my life difficult by making us learn what’s partial differentiation”) would make a fair deal in my working life in future. The “calculating” papers were hard, (i literally stared at POA paper when i saw the first question) and there was this groaning and grumbling spirit within me. I smsed Dennis, Shar about the papers and all that i think i screwed up big time, thoughts of plurging off the edge of Singapore Expo Exhibition Centre did crossed my mind. Of cos, i didn’t do it, i will be dumb to do it.
All the way till 2 saturdays ago, during the shepherds meet, He really spanked me hard, the Holy Spirit did not just showed me the images that i was complaining, “haiz-ing” away, but He showed me my deepest issue in my heart, i am too reliant on myself. Relying on myself to study, to do the exams, and the ending result. I totally missed out what is it to partner with God. When God used Shirls to show me the different dimension of living a righteous life, i know i am guilty of this. Robbing a righteous life is not lies, sins and etc, it’s the fact that “you think you can do it on your own”, and ultimately it’s robbing the role of God in your life, it’s freaking scary.
I still have paper(s) coming along, but i have chosen to partner with my Maker. I have chosen to trust and not doubt in what He has planned for me. (Since anyway, He had everything planned and i just have to carry it out), He still holds nothing but the best for me.
Thanks God!
Filed under: Uncategorized
How I wish what you said was just to pull my leg. How I wish it’s all part of belated april’s fool joke. How I wish I can wake up from this dream.
Just wanna spend some time to journal things down, things that i can really say “thank you” to God from the bottom of my heart, and not just doing or saying it for the sake of it.
1. Thank God for yingjie and yanyu who really “surprise-d” me with their visit at my doorstep with a box of lasagna and a bottle of honey water. Ate and shared the food with glad and sincere heart. =) It’s your acts that really touched me that even though the visit is becos of physical sickness visit, but i see it as an encouraging spirit visit.
2. The attempt that we went to Meng’s house to BBQ, smoked her neighbours and burnt her table. I was kinda really excited cos i had never done this ever in my life, to challenge HDB! HAHAHA. Thank God her neighbours didn’t call the police due to the sudden smoky air, however not sparring us the “weird” look.
3. Seems exciting so far? The best part of it all is that i truly experienced God today. Meng, my nephew (Jeriel) and i went to the open grass patch, just next to my house to “try to fly kite”. I had to admit that i am really excited and i really didn’t wanna disappoint this small little boy’s expectation- to fly a kite. So i just quickly remove the kite from the cover and try to make it fly. After many many, many attempts, the kite still can’t fly and i was puzzled why the kite can’t even flip open its sides, let alone seeing it flying in the sky. Then a good samaritan came to us and told us that a stick was missing, the stick that was supposed to support the sides of the kite. When i know about that, i still scolded my brother for being dumb not to check the kite during the purchase. When i got home, told the entire story to my mother, and she said that she’s sure that there is a stick in the cover which i denied seeing it (the fact was that i really didnt). On one hand, i felt bad that i MIGHT lose the stick as i was too excited to remove the cover and not realised that the stick dropped out as well. By that time, it was 7 plus, the sky was almost or rather seemingly dark. I decided to take a detour back to the original route that i took to look for the stick (if i lose it). All that the 3 of us had was Meng’s handphone’s flash to look around the vast area of the field. Like the Chinese saying, it feels like “trying to recover a needle from the seabed”. Just as all of us decided to go back, i turned, and prayed. And the most freaking thing was that the stick was shinning at me suddenly before me. WOW. Talking about the benefits of instant noodles, try instant prayers! It’s even more awesome!
God can speak to you regardless of your heart condition – - – simply becos He loves you and never want to let you go.
YAY! Above all, we’ve got 4 converts within these 2 weeks!
I want to do life with You.
Filed under: Music
Thanks Ah Zhang for raising me up
God i need you to lift and raise me up
